Cancer took a hit to our marriage.  Everything was put on hold during that time, which meant we didn’t have time to work on our marriage.  I won’t entirely put blame there though.  The inner workings that eventually derailed our marriage were in place long before we even started dating. 

This story is one I’ve been thinking about since I started this blog.  One I want to hold tight and not share.  It’s deeply personal and something I don’t talk about often.  My husband gave his blessing to share.  It doesn’t make it easier to put this out there.  However, I’m painfully aware that our story can bring some hope and encouragement for those in the trenches right now. 

If you are holding on to the very last shred of hope that is holding your marriage together, read on.  If you think your marriage is already over and you are just going through the motions until one of you is brave enough to leave, read on.  If you think you couldn’t possibly love that person again that you promised before God you’d love forever, read on.  If you’ve been betrayed and you don’t think you can get over it, read on. Have you been there?  Are you there now?

I was there.  I was at rock bottom.  Cancer was not my rock bottom. Can you believe that?  Maybe it was at the time, but before long, another wave would batter me against the rocks. The biggest trial to date though, has been the testing of our marriage.  When I struggled through my cancer trial, the one verse that was my strength was James 1:2-4.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

I truly could see the joy in my cancer trial.  I saw God walk me through every step of the way.  I could see the good, even when it was hard. I grew spiritually during that trial.  I was strengthened. But this trial?  My marriage? Joy in this? No. I could not see it.  It broke me. In every sense of the word, it. broke. me. 

So what brought us to the bottom?  It wasn’t one thing, but a culmination of many things.  Both he and I had not truly done the hard work yet. We both brought baggage into our marriage.  We each had our own quirks, ideologies, upbringings, and character flaws that made blending this “two becomes one” philosophy a lot of work.  It’s hard work. Did you know that?  No one shared that piece with me.  I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but the tremendous, DAILY struggle to love each other was harder than I expected.  Yeah, and those feelings of love don’t always equate love in action.  The butterflies only get you so far. 

Something  was off in our marriage and I couldn’t figure it out. It had always been there, but it was more prevalent now. I prayed for guidance and wisdom.  I prayed for discernment.  There was something missing.  It wasn’t until there was the calm during the eye of the hurricane and we were picking up pieces of life after cancer, that I picked up on some subtleties.  A pause, a place to breathe and examine life – that peaceful time before you head back into the brutality of the storm. That is when I started to question my husband about what was nagging at me. Every time I spoke with my husband, it was like I was talking in circles, never getting anywhere.  I couldn’t dig deep. 

I eventually sought out counseling.  Sifting through my emotions was good.  My husband agreed to join me in counseling.  It was through counseling that we were able to peel back the layers and get to the core. We learned about the inner workings of each other.

I have always had a hard time with change.  I don’t like it.  Maybe that’s why God has placed so many trials in my life – in order to grow and stretch me into a mature Christian. It’s not in our comfort zone that we have our “aha” moments. It’s when we are uncomfortable, scared, nervous, hurting, that we can morph into something better if we allow it.  I also like honesty.  It was that one character quality that I insisted on.  I felt that as long as there is honesty, everything else can be dealt with, no matter how tough.  I’d rather hear the truth, even if it’s hard, than be lied to. During counseling,  I learned that I didn’t always speak so nicely.  I would lash out.  This would in turn, shut my husband down.  We didn’t realize that this was a huge trigger for him to completely tune out.  He wouldn’t share. My husband, he had a hard time with telling the truth. 

This was the perfect storm in the making. The worst parts of each of us fed this cycle that suppressed the opportunity of growth.  So we stagnated and regressed as we dealt with other huge life changes – births of babies, cancer, blended family issues, in-laws…out-laws.  And so the cycle continued into a downward spiral.  No wonder why we were here. We didn’t know how to dig out of it by ourselves. 

During one counseling session, truth finally came out. My husband revealed some things that shook me to my core.

As the words were coming out of his mouth, I felt ill, physically ill.  I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach.  I was spinning.  Who was this stranger I married? I felt that I didn’t even know the man sitting in front of me. The lies started before we were married.  You know those deal breakers you have on your list of “I won’t marry someone who … fill in the blank.”?  Yeah, check, check, and check.  I felt trapped into marrying him, deceived all these years, and backed into a corner.  I wanted out. 

I wanted to crawl under my bed and pretend this life was not mine.  I wanted a do over in life.  While I couldn’t turn back time and make the choice to not marry my husband, I had a choice to make now, whether I would stay in this marriage or not.

I could choose to forgive.

I could choose to leave. 

Neither sounded like great options at the time.  I am thankful for our counselor and a couple wise friends who walked me through the next days and months as we picked up the pieces of our broken marriage and tried to find a way to move forward, either way. God was with me as well.  He was close to this broken heart of mine.  I dug into Scripture and He was there.  This version from The Message spoke to me:

“If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.” ~ Psalm 34:18

{The road to restoration and redemption will be continued in the next part of this post. Read here.}