“LORD,” I silently plead.

I pray, “LORD, grant me peace. Calm me today and in the days ahead.  LORD, this is in Your hands.  I have no control over this.  I really cannot do anything with this.  Only You can take this away.  Only You know how advanced this is.  Only You can control what happens here.  Not me.”

NOT. ME.

I am not in control.

I say it again, but out loud this time.

“I am not in control.”

LORD, it’s You.  Up until now, I thought I could control the outcomes of my life.  It is my choice, my consequences, my successes.  For the first time in my life, I am faced with something I didn’t choose. I didn’t choose cancer.  I don’t want it.  I have no idea what will happen after today.  LORD, I see now clearly that You are in control.  And better yet, I don’t have to be. You are in control and I don’t have to be.  Only You know whether I will live or die. 

My thoughts interrupt themselves as another thought rushes in.

“Be still, I have this.  You don’t have to carry this burden.  Trust Me.  Follow Me. This is what faith is.  Believe, even when you don’t understand.”

My mind cleared.  I felt an overwhelming peace and calmness.  I almost can feel the burden lifted off my shoulders.  I take the leap of faith and I say yes.  Yes LORD, I will allow You in.  I will give you this burden.  I will give you my problems, my cancer, my life.  I am not in control.  You are.  I will follow You.  It will be okay.

So Lord, how do I do this?  How do I face my family?  How do I tell my husband, my family, my children…OH, my precious children!  LORD, what if I leave them?  What will they do without their mama?  What will my husband do with two toddlers at home?  Who will care for them?  Will they remember me?  No LORD, PLEASE, I want them to know their mama.  Please take this cancer away.  Please let me live! It’s too soon.  Not yet!

Tears.  A big guttural sound escapes me.  I don’t even know where it comes from.  Agony sets in as I think of my life without my family.  The sobs flow in uncontrollable waves.  I grip the steering wheel tighter.  The thought of dying, too much to bear.

Calm down.  Breathe!  It will be okay.  Whether I live or die, God is in control.  He will make it right.

Is this what I’ve been looking for?  Is this what it feels like?  LORD, I’ve been searching to know You, to know if I could trust the Bible, to know if it really means what it says.  I’ve done the research.  I’ve read books.  I’ve talked with pastors and priests and friends and “church people”.  I’ve been trying to prove this faith to be real.  Or better yet, disprove it, so I can find the truth.  LORD, this is it, isn’t it?  To take that leap of faith means just that.  To trust in the unseen.  To choose to believe. 

Yes, I choose to believe.

No amount of reading, research, or interviews will make this decision for me.  It’s my choice.  I choose life.  I choose You, God.

Whether I live for a little while right now and I am taken too soon from my family, I know I will be with You LORD.  I will be in heaven with You.  So whether I live or die, I will always live.  But LORD, my desire is to live for a long time on this earth.  I have too much to do.  I want to see my children grow.  I want to tell others of Your goodness.  My life has a greater purpose.  Please LORD, let me live a long time here on earth.

Be still.  Take a breath.  I still feel numb, but the fog is no longer there.  Only clarity.  Only peace.  Only God.

And I am home.

How did I get home?  I drove?  By myself?

[this is continued from Part 1 which can be read here