I had a totally different post in mind for today and that went out the window at about 2:30. I’ll be honest. Today was one of those days, but I committed to write for 31 days and here I am at 11:00 p.m. just sitting down for the day. For the record, I’m not Wonder Woman or a supermom. I’m not. I’m just a mom who barely had her stuff pulled together for today.
I almost left the house this morning still in pajamas. I had plans on showering before the littlest one woke up, but that didn’t happen. He strolled in my room at 6:40 and asked to snuggle in my bed. Who can say no to that? I then frantically scrambled eggs for everyone, made my drinks for the morning to go – oh, I’m on day 2 of no solid food. 19 more days to go on this cleanse. SO, yeah, I may not have it all together the next few weeks. My son had to remind me as they were loading into the car, that I was still not dressed.
We pull into their homeschool co-op with a few minutes to spare, I think. Little man starts a fit about 20 minutes into our morning there. See, he saw another little one there on a screen last week and the week before, so now he thinks that my phone is his entertainment for the two hours we are there. Nope. He does not get to play my phone. That is his trigger every week. I can just cry. Every classroom can hear his screaming (my older children confirm that they heard him all the way down the hall, with the door closed) and I pray it’s a short one today. Sometimes, his fits can last hours. Yes, hours. I have the tools buried in the back of my head, but in the heat of the moment, I forget all that Karen Purvis has to say about attachment and trauma. All those wonderful soft soothing words fly out the window as a primal mama tries to hold it all together, literally. Thankfully, there are two other moms in the room that get it. One, offers me a new technique on how to hold him to calm him and not provoke more unwanted behavior. I listen and try this new tool. Phew, it works. Another is a fellow adoptive mama who tells me about new (to me) local resources that would be helpful for therapy. (After the fit of course) I’ve been on such overdrive lately, that I haven’t even had time to straighten out our last snafu with the insurance company regarding our old therapist (whom we loved). She is no longer in our network and I haven’t been reimbursed from the last set of visits. Looking for a new therapist was put on the back burner for the time being until that was all straightened out. I want to hug these women, whom God placed in that room this morning. But if I did, I would surely cry from the pure exhaustion and the overwhelming feeling of support I was receiving from this village.
My morning hit a pause when I had someone share with me that their friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Gulp. I saw that look in her eyes. That terrified, how-do-I-help-my-dear-friend-walk-this-new-road look mixed with tears. Oh sister! I know, I know. I teared up a little remembering my journey. Each new diagnosis I hear, it brings me back to that place and I step into their shoes for a moment. I truly empathize with these women. My heart breaks right along with theirs and the people that share their journey. You need your people. What a gem my friend is to share this journey with her dear friend. This is why I share. I share my stories so I can help others. I truly want to inspire people to advocate for themselves and also know that if they come to me, they will always have a safe place to land with their thoughts and fears about breast cancer. It’s scary and overwhelming and it sucks. When your mind is racing a million miles an hour, I will hit the pause button in my day for you long enough to give you a hug and tell you to take a deep breath and help you take the next steps.
My afternoon was peppered with rays of light among the dark clouds. Lunch, laundry, and then nap time was on the agenda. I was supposed to write during nap time, but I spent the time having philosophical discussions with my three middle children. I was lovely really, but then I argued with the 14 year old about the same thing for the 953rd time this week. Just as I sat down to write, little man woke up from his nap and wanted a snack. Before I know it, it was time to take two of the children to an orthodontic appointment. One just had braces put on and one is getting ready to start the beginnings of appliances to prep for braces. “Oh, the deposit is due the day of impressions…which he had done today. Can you pay for that up front?” “Uh huh, yeah,” I exhale. I feel defeated by the money pit that won’t quit. Tack that on to my weekly treatments that are not covered by insurance. I whip out the credit card and say a little prayer that God will provide.
After two hours at the ortho’s office, I head home. My wonderful husband already had dinner ready and waiting. My daughter ate quickly so we could head out on our date. We try to do weekly dates with the three middle children so they have a break and some alone time with us. A girl’s night of shopping was on the agenda for tonight. While I absolutely loathe shopping, it was time spent with her and new things shared. Memories made. I come home to a long “to do” list to prep for tomorrow, which included writing this post, making a lunch for little man, rotating laundry, grading their math(which is not happening tonight), and sending my friend information on breast cancer.
That was my day. Sometimes, when we feel that we don’t have it all pulled together, it’s a reminder that we can still arrive at the beginning of the day disheveled and God can make something beautiful out of our mess. He covers it with grace and love and reminds me why I’m writing – to share these beautiful imperfect moments that illustrate His unending love for us. That He shows up and fills in the gaps when we need it. He shows up as fellow mamas who help with the tantrums and gives me the strength to cheer on fellow sisters. He reminded me that having a village nearby to help is a life saver some days and taking time to pause to listen is what was needed today. That spending with my children always trumps my “to do” list. That time spent with them cannot be made up. Stop. Now. Be present with them. They will remember these times. The little stresses of the day are really insignificant when I think about it. He gave me perspective today. I am grateful.
I ended the day well after midnight, still not showered, and that’s okay.